May 29th, 2019

drac emu


There's bothing like shaving a cat's ass before caffeine AND getting squirted because her anal glands are like Captain Marvel's fists to realize that you are, indeed, living out the height of glamor.

Two of my kitties are big girls. By which I mean they are both ottomans, and I mean the empire and not the furniture. This means there are certain....delicate....areas they cannot manage on their own. Yeah, I buy surgical gloves by the boxload these days. Glamor, I tell you.

And can we talk about how the DOD is missing a HUGE opportunity to defend the homeland here? Jesus Christ, I thought cat farts were lethal. If you could cross decomposing musk oxen with Republican diarrhea after watching "The Vagina Monologues" and give ut a spritz of crotch rot and Taco Bell toots, you'd have an idea of what a truly inhumane WAD a cat fart can be.

But anal gland effluvia is a whole other level in aromas that break the laws of God and Man and possibly science. Add all of the above, plus the kind of sour sweat that an incel accumulates on his danglies after he watches a bunch of women having fun who do not give a shit about his opinion of their looks, size, hair color, or glasses; add to that that back sweat of an angry Puritan like Mike Pence who has just realized that women still have vibrators, and finally mix in the distilled essence of Trump's tighty whities ater he's worked himself into a frothing rage at the dim realization that he is a horrible person and nobody believes his lies because he keeps not paying his yes men. Add to that a huge helping of pus from a boil on Mike Huckabee's ass from he got bit by a dog who hated him on sight because who doesn't, and finally mix with the rotting ooze from an oil spill that Repubs like to brush off as no big deal. Mix well. Try not to pass out. Aim toward Moscow. You knpw theittle buggers won't cooperate if you actually want then to unleash the, er, Krakken, so you're on your own there.

I need to go check to see if I still have eyebrows. Like Paris in the 20s around here, I swear