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drac emu
So. I guess I need to update.

I did something a few weeks back. I haven't done this in years, almost a full decade. It look almost all my anti-anxiety meds, but....yeah.

I went to see a movie with a friend. The sensation of not having a wall against my back was unsettling, and the explosions in the movie threatened to send me to the bathroom but....I went to a movie. After a car ride. On a route I didn't know. In the dark. And then I sat in a dark room with empty air at my back.

Of course, a few days later, I dropped my phone and broke it. I had to go to a mall to get a new one and the doofus at the counter kept yapping for so long that I had one of the worst panic attacks I'd had in years, and after that I just staggered home with everything else I'd planned to do cancelled, but there's almost always defeats in every war. I limped out of there with a new phone.

None of this was possible three or five or seven years ago. None of it. I walked around the block. Not just once. I bought jogging shoes in a store in a mall even though the open spaces with really great lines of sight was sort of unnerving. It's amazing what happens when you have a doctor who listens when you tell him your anxiety is still only blunting the panic attacks.

The only thing I'm not making much progress on it is the nightmares. I counted twelve---twelve!---nightmares in one night. I can't even take a nightmare without waking up sweating and flailing at an opponent. If I can just get fixed, even a bit, I figure I'd be looking for work in a week. My shrink tells me not to get too far ahead of myself. Yeah, well.....

Shadow is another development. It got so cold that past few days that I brought him onto my front porch, which is enclosed. He turned into a fat furry love bug who flings himself at my feet and purrs and chirps in a harsh, comical, whiskey-and-cigarettes-voice. Whatever, you furrball, it's too cold for you, especially since he's taken up permanent residence in that kitty shelter of his. It's like ten degrees below zero now. It's not warm on the porch---with is enclosed----but it's not cold, either.

I might have to take meds the rest of my life, but I'm okay with that. It's amazing what happens when your doctor actually listens. I was astonished when I told him about the anxiety and he discussed additional meds with me and then.....prescribed something in addition. And it worked. It lowers my blood pressure a bit, but screw it, I'll take it.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up but....I remember being so terrified of panic attacks for so long that I'd throw up----and eventually it turned out I'd damaged my esophogus and stomach and teeth. That's how long those panic attacks were allowed to go while the VA bickered about how I just wasn't trying enough.
I'm afraid they might find out what my doctor's doing and fire him or something.

Of course, now it's too cold to really do much outside the house but fuck it. It's still a milestone.

Happy New Year's, everybody. Now we can all write "2013" on our checks for a month or so till we get used to it.



( 39 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 1st, 2014 12:42 am (UTC)
Oh, babe -- have an even more improved 2014.

Assumed that you have left this place like everyone else that brought me here in the first place.

Love, C.
Jan. 1st, 2014 01:37 am (UTC)
Nope, still here. I don't find a lot of other places that interest me. I would have said so if that had been the case.
Jan. 1st, 2014 01:31 am (UTC)
Yay gin! That is just so amazingly wonderful. And all it took was one damn doctor who listened.

You can still go to movies in the winter :)
Jan. 1st, 2014 01:40 am (UTC)
I'm going to see....a play. Shakespeare. And I got a treadmill, too, for the winter.
Jan. 2nd, 2014 12:13 am (UTC)
That's great. Will you tell us about it?
Jan. 2nd, 2014 02:00 am (UTC)
After the play?
Jan. 2nd, 2014 03:00 am (UTC)
Absolutely. I want to hear all about what you found in this production.

What are you seeing?
Jan. 2nd, 2014 04:01 am (UTC)
Jan. 2nd, 2014 11:01 am (UTC)
That's a rare one. Enjoy it!

(Uh, this wouldn't have anything to do with Gerald Butler's being in the film with Ralph Fiennes, would it?:)
Jan. 2nd, 2014 12:01 pm (UTC)
Nah, GB got demoted from the imaginary harem.
Jan. 4th, 2014 06:39 pm (UTC)
Oh? How come?
Jan. 5th, 2014 11:08 am (UTC)
He's kind of a petri dish with a penis.
Jan. 5th, 2014 07:56 pm (UTC)
I'm going to have to quote that description sometime >:-D

But still, what exactly did he do in particular
to get himself that colorful designation? (I don't follow him, so..)
Jan. 1st, 2014 01:32 am (UTC)
That's great news! I'm happy for you. Have a wonderful, much better, 2014.
Jan. 1st, 2014 01:32 am (UTC)
that is awesome! so much progress. and the foundation .. solid .. of a doctor .. who listens. very, very good. Happy new year!
Jan. 1st, 2014 02:33 am (UTC)
It's great to hear that you have made so much progress. I'm so happy for you! (And so glad you finally got a doctor who listens to what you have to say.)

The best of luck to you in the coming year.
Jan. 1st, 2014 02:58 am (UTC)
Hooray for progress--big steps, little steps, any steps!
Hooray for having a doctor who knows his stuff & isn't playing politics on your prostrate suffering body.
Hooray for Shadow!
Jan. 1st, 2014 03:22 am (UTC)
That is some awesome f'ing news. I'm so glad you finally got a doc who listens, learns and tries things that work.

Go you!
Jan. 1st, 2014 03:34 am (UTC)
This is the best damned news I've read online all year.
Jan. 1st, 2014 05:26 am (UTC)
Wonderful news indeed. I hope things continue to improve for you and that Awesome Doc stays awesome. :)
Jan. 1st, 2014 09:52 am (UTC)
You go on with your own amazing self, girl! I am SO happy for you!
Jan. 1st, 2014 06:58 pm (UTC)
Congratulations on every improvement! No one deserves it more.
Jan. 1st, 2014 09:17 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad to read this. The steps are small, but they're more than you were able to do before, with little to no help before from your doctors. I like this guy. He's listening to, and helping, you - that makes him a pretty good doc in my book.

Here's hoping for more steps in 2014. :)
Jan. 1st, 2014 09:36 pm (UTC)
Mazal tov, and best of luck with next year. You're really improving!
Jan. 1st, 2014 11:21 pm (UTC)
I'm sitting here crying.

This is the best holiday present I could have hoped for. I want to squeeze your doctor and give him all kinds of smoochies. I want to name a god or a hero after him in one of the books.

You went to a movie. It cost you a panic attack, but you got a new phone in a mall. You walk around the block.

If this isn't magic, I don't know what is.

I am sending just all kinds of power vibes to you and all your kitties, including the bandit on the sun porch. Gods bless all of you and your doctor, and may 2014 be even better than 2013!

Okay, I'm going to quit typing because I can't see the screen.
Jan. 2nd, 2014 01:39 am (UTC)
To state the obvious: You are making real and noticeable progress. Good for you ;-)
Our experience with my wife's GAD/Panic attacks -very similar to yours - followed a pattern very much like yours, even though she was much older when her's started. Her first break ( after more than a year) came when we went for a drive and she decided to stop and buy a pair of jeans - as simple as that it was a major breakthrough. Though progress was slow (several years) it was fairly steady. She still takes a very mild tranquilizer (Zoloft) but is virtually symptom free. Like you, real progress came when she found the right psydoc.
I am confident that you can finally begin to look forward to the life you once had with very few if any, restrictions.
Are you still planning on moving away from MN?
Jan. 4th, 2014 06:17 pm (UTC)
Also congratulations, Gin. Healing like this is a very good thing. I hope you can make this a steady advance on your target.

I'd like to mention that Zoloft isn't actually a tranquilizer, it's an SSRI, a "mood enhancer" that improves signal activity in the nerves and brain (dopamine is a sensitizer, serotonin is the signal trigger). But people with low levels of serotonin (such as when stressed to the point of shutdown) can actually calm down better on that sort of drug because the forebrain operates as a signal suppressor system that moderates the rest of the brain, including they hypothalamus (controller/switchboard for emotional signals); so a slightly more active forebrain can reduce anxiety and negative emotions better when needed, and improve overall control and decision-making.
Jan. 2nd, 2014 02:55 am (UTC)
That's awesome. I'm so glad for you, and hope you see even more improvement in 2014! :)
Jan. 2nd, 2014 06:25 am (UTC)
Rock rock rock rock ROCK!

I read this and nearly cried. I"ve missed you, babe. This is a moment of light. I had one last year, which was crazy, but there.

I am so glad to read this.

I won't send you hugs, but i will dance around my room with a G&T for you :)
Jan. 2nd, 2014 12:43 pm (UTC)
Happy New Year----- i am so happy for you
please try to post more
you are always in my prayers
Jan. 2nd, 2014 09:19 pm (UTC)

*and in tears*

::D :D :D
Jan. 2nd, 2014 09:25 pm (UTC)
Haven't read the other comments yet, so please excuse if I repeat their wonderings:
1 - our local movie house has very high backs to the seats. When we go, I actually feel a little claustrophobic. But that type would be good for you..did your theater have a different sort of seats?
2 - ...
Dammit, I forgot. Well then, this, instead--
" It's amazing what happens when your doctor actually listens."
IOsn't it though? Toldja: it just takes one good doctor. It just takes the right meds. They can make all the difference in the world.
Mine saved my life, years ago. I am so goddamned happy about this for you, I'm near delirious.

P.S. Fuck the VA.

Edited at 2014-01-04 06:40 pm (UTC)
Jan. 2nd, 2014 09:34 pm (UTC)
Most movies these days have too much of what I call "crash & bash", especially explosions. Beware. The artistic quality of movies has gone down, IMO, this past decade.

I'm (officially) okay now and off meds, but I still feel beat up if there's too much boom & bang.
Please be kind to yourself and maybe avoid some of those big-action new releases.

And hey, even supposedly "normal" people get something very like a panic attack, when counter-doofii engage in sustained yapping.
So really, if you let them live, you did well.

Jan. 2nd, 2014 09:36 pm (UTC)
*still bouncing*
Jan. 3rd, 2014 12:30 am (UTC)
This is so wonderful to read. Happy New Year.
Jan. 4th, 2014 01:54 am (UTC)
Such great news, Gin! It's so amazing that you have the meds sorted finally, but taming Shadow on top of that. Did you keep your same phone number?

Also... I'm wearing shorts.
Jan. 4th, 2014 05:04 am (UTC)
Yup, but I also have a new one as well. The T-mobile one sucked so bad.

I'm not sure the issue was taming Shadow. He always wanted love. Now he just demands it.

He also has his own heater.

Also? The governor closed the schools on Monday. Wind chill factor is going to be 50 degrees below zero.
Jan. 6th, 2014 01:22 am (UTC)
I'm so glad things are going better for you, even though the steps seem so small sometimes! And take care of yourself and all your dependents over the next few days.
Jan. 8th, 2014 12:07 am (UTC)
Oh, I am so glad.
( 39 comments — Leave a comment )

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